If I had to pick a word to describe my spiritual life right now, I would have to say "unsatisfied." It's not that I don't realize that God is still at work in me even when I don't see progress, it's that I feel like I'm missing out on something. Sadly for me, though, I always try to fill gaps myself. I feel slightly better for all of two weeks and then I just feel like the gap is wider. Progress is painful when you stop at mirages to quench your thirst.
I'm ready for something more. I want something more--something bigger I can really sink my teeth into. I know that there's more to my spiritual development than the fifteen minutes a day in prayer that I spend and my grand expositions on being an "agent" of the Kingdom of God.
I think that this is part of the deal. We're left always wanting more. Hungry, being filled for a time, and then the hunger and thirst begin again. Maybe my own dissatisfaction with the way things are is reflective of God's own ambition for me to not be satisfied with the status quo.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Taking time out
I'm taking a little bit of a breather fro my studies, currently. I've been working on comparing the text of the Hebrew Bible that I have with several other versions to see how they match up. Ultimately, you want to come up with something that you think is as close to the original as possible. If nothing else, it gives you an exercise in textual criticism that'll come in handy around page 20 when you're typing up your paper.
I was thinking about the necessity of pausing. Sometimes we pause movies (or TV if you've got that feature) to leave the scene for a minute to do another task. We pause music in order to talk with someone or to answer the phone. The point is that we pause one task in order to pick up another for a shorter period of time than pushing "stop" would necessitate. We don't want to leave it for good, we just want to take a couple seconds to stop.
Writing this journal is my taking time to stop. I'm taking time from my homework in order to consider what it is to pause for a minute. The week pauses...or at least it should, one day each week to stop normal activity and to do something else. Pausing makes us realize that we don't have control over our lives or our time. Taking intentional time to stop what we're doing to consider the Lord, to pray, to offer service, to meditate, or even to journal our random musings reminds us that our time is not our task master. We are servants of the Lord who created time as well as space and nothing He created should enslave those who put their trust in Christ.
So I'm taking time to pause. I'm stopping for just a second to listen to the music in my headphones, to talk to my fiancee, to smile at a friend, and to pray, to meditate, and to journal.
Play.
I was thinking about the necessity of pausing. Sometimes we pause movies (or TV if you've got that feature) to leave the scene for a minute to do another task. We pause music in order to talk with someone or to answer the phone. The point is that we pause one task in order to pick up another for a shorter period of time than pushing "stop" would necessitate. We don't want to leave it for good, we just want to take a couple seconds to stop.
Writing this journal is my taking time to stop. I'm taking time from my homework in order to consider what it is to pause for a minute. The week pauses...or at least it should, one day each week to stop normal activity and to do something else. Pausing makes us realize that we don't have control over our lives or our time. Taking intentional time to stop what we're doing to consider the Lord, to pray, to offer service, to meditate, or even to journal our random musings reminds us that our time is not our task master. We are servants of the Lord who created time as well as space and nothing He created should enslave those who put their trust in Christ.
So I'm taking time to pause. I'm stopping for just a second to listen to the music in my headphones, to talk to my fiancee, to smile at a friend, and to pray, to meditate, and to journal.
Play.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Where have I been?
It's been a long time since I've updated this. That's my problem: I start a lot of things and finish very few of them. You'd think that wouldn't be such a big deal, considering my J type personality, but there it is. I start and don't always finish. Maybe that could be my newest discipline. Finishing everything I start. That would mean several novels, a couple of concept albums, and journaling as a spiritual discipline. This is the life I live currently:
Disciplines: Solitude, reading, prayer, fasting.
Solitude, for those who spend a lot of time with me, may seem like a bit of a stretch, but that's what I've decided to call my time alone. The problem is, that I'm having trouble with a real disciplined solitude where I actually spend time without distraction just me and God. But there have been bright points along the way. I've found a lot of joy in just sitting and saying the Jesus Prayer or reading with a candle burning before an icon. In short, I'm trying to find a way through the haze and into the reality of time alone in the presence of God that can be productive in more ways than just my own personal entertainment.
Reading specifically Scripture. My fiancee and I have been reading the daily lections out of the BCP for the past week and a half. Sometimes, I read them twice, depending on the day of the week. MWF I meet for Morning Prayer with 2-3 other guys from school. More on that later. Reading Scripture is always good. Reading Scripture in correlation to other related readings is also really nice. I just finished reading The Secret Message of Jesus, by Brian McLaren and was really challenged by the idea that the Kingdom of God is here and now (as well as not yet) and we have a part to play as agents of that Kingdom here in this world. I'm going to try and communicate this to a group of middle to highschool students in a few weeks.
Prayer is always good. I like praying out of a book. I find that if I'm doing personal intercessions that are basically coming to me on the fly that I only pray for a few minutes or maybe only seconds. It's really powerful prayer--in my mind. I like praying with the BCP or other prayer books because I find that my attention is more focused. Any time you can sit and read and know that God is listening is positive.
Fasting through Ramadan as well as with my Fiancee on Thursdays. Fasting for spiritual breakthrough in the Muslim world during this Ramadan. I haven't actually decided what specifically I'm fasting on, but I'm thinking a couple minor adjustments in my time and the way I use it may count. I also find that fasting as a group excercise is really nice. Fasting with my fiancee is encouraging. Fasting without water is not a good idea for me. I tried. Failed.
Disciplines: Solitude, reading, prayer, fasting.
Solitude, for those who spend a lot of time with me, may seem like a bit of a stretch, but that's what I've decided to call my time alone. The problem is, that I'm having trouble with a real disciplined solitude where I actually spend time without distraction just me and God. But there have been bright points along the way. I've found a lot of joy in just sitting and saying the Jesus Prayer or reading with a candle burning before an icon. In short, I'm trying to find a way through the haze and into the reality of time alone in the presence of God that can be productive in more ways than just my own personal entertainment.
Reading specifically Scripture. My fiancee and I have been reading the daily lections out of the BCP for the past week and a half. Sometimes, I read them twice, depending on the day of the week. MWF I meet for Morning Prayer with 2-3 other guys from school. More on that later. Reading Scripture is always good. Reading Scripture in correlation to other related readings is also really nice. I just finished reading The Secret Message of Jesus, by Brian McLaren and was really challenged by the idea that the Kingdom of God is here and now (as well as not yet) and we have a part to play as agents of that Kingdom here in this world. I'm going to try and communicate this to a group of middle to highschool students in a few weeks.
Prayer is always good. I like praying out of a book. I find that if I'm doing personal intercessions that are basically coming to me on the fly that I only pray for a few minutes or maybe only seconds. It's really powerful prayer--in my mind. I like praying with the BCP or other prayer books because I find that my attention is more focused. Any time you can sit and read and know that God is listening is positive.
Fasting through Ramadan as well as with my Fiancee on Thursdays. Fasting for spiritual breakthrough in the Muslim world during this Ramadan. I haven't actually decided what specifically I'm fasting on, but I'm thinking a couple minor adjustments in my time and the way I use it may count. I also find that fasting as a group excercise is really nice. Fasting with my fiancee is encouraging. Fasting without water is not a good idea for me. I tried. Failed.
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