Such a Great Cloud

Part of this life is realizing that your pride really gets in the way of forward progress. If you aren't careful, you're likely to consider that you've got things figured out. If you get cocky, you get an insatiable God Complex that's hard to shake. Somewhere in the fall, I think I got the idea that I was invincible.

Everyone comes to a new school with a chip on their shoulder. I came to Gordon as the Homeschooler who was tired of being bullied by all the ignorant "all homeschoolers live under rocks" stereotype I'd received growing up. My chip was big and very stubborn. (I guess I shouldn't use the past tense. My chip is still rather stubborn, though hopefully not as large.) I started Gordon-Conwell believing that, as a GC grad, I knew more than my fellow students. They'd all either come right from undergrad or had had no Biblical Studies training previous to coming to seminary. I honestly thought I was better than them.

After all, I'd had a great education in undergrad, taken a year off, and, gosh darn it, I was a homeschooler. If anyone can discipline himself to study, it's me. And the first semester went fine. I got mostly A's and one B. Then came the winter. I had my wisdom teeth out and did a SemLink that I that was too easy for me. Things went down hill quickly. I thought I did really well on the final, and got a C-. Then my car started falling apart. I literally paid for my car a second time this spring. My grades for this semester are a B+, a B, a B-, and a C+. My GPA is literally on the other side of the spectrum.

I just feel like I can't win, and I'm wondering if that's the point. Am I considering myself too important for my own good? Am I caught up in a pride spiral that I haven't noticed until now? If I am, what do I do?

The Saints who went before me have all dealt with their own sins. They had their prides and their humiliations. But they are venerated for a reason. They overcame in this world in a way that I may never experience. Jesus is at work in my life through the Holy Spirit, and I'm afraid that I'm not making a very hospitable environment for Him. How do I open my heart to the God who saves? How do I give up trying to manipulate my Savior and be obedient to Him?

I'm going to try an experiment. I already said that I'm going to give up something other than food as a fast. This is really for health reasons. (I want to get back into shape with my running, and I need to have the calories to ensure that I don't get sick.) I'm going to cut out a particular website from my daily routine. I know what you're thinking, what will one website do to help you mortify your sinful nature? Plenty. I'm also going to begin to practice submission again. Submission first and foremost to Jesus and secondly to my roommates, boss, fiancee, and friends. As well as those around me. It's not about being a doormat, but it is about putting others before myself and actively fighting against my pride.