If I had to pick a word to describe my spiritual life right now, I would have to say "unsatisfied." It's not that I don't realize that God is still at work in me even when I don't see progress, it's that I feel like I'm missing out on something. Sadly for me, though, I always try to fill gaps myself. I feel slightly better for all of two weeks and then I just feel like the gap is wider. Progress is painful when you stop at mirages to quench your thirst.
I'm ready for something more. I want something more--something bigger I can really sink my teeth into. I know that there's more to my spiritual development than the fifteen minutes a day in prayer that I spend and my grand expositions on being an "agent" of the Kingdom of God.
I think that this is part of the deal. We're left always wanting more. Hungry, being filled for a time, and then the hunger and thirst begin again. Maybe my own dissatisfaction with the way things are is reflective of God's own ambition for me to not be satisfied with the status quo.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Taking time out
I'm taking a little bit of a breather fro my studies, currently. I've been working on comparing the text of the Hebrew Bible that I have with several other versions to see how they match up. Ultimately, you want to come up with something that you think is as close to the original as possible. If nothing else, it gives you an exercise in textual criticism that'll come in handy around page 20 when you're typing up your paper.
I was thinking about the necessity of pausing. Sometimes we pause movies (or TV if you've got that feature) to leave the scene for a minute to do another task. We pause music in order to talk with someone or to answer the phone. The point is that we pause one task in order to pick up another for a shorter period of time than pushing "stop" would necessitate. We don't want to leave it for good, we just want to take a couple seconds to stop.
Writing this journal is my taking time to stop. I'm taking time from my homework in order to consider what it is to pause for a minute. The week pauses...or at least it should, one day each week to stop normal activity and to do something else. Pausing makes us realize that we don't have control over our lives or our time. Taking intentional time to stop what we're doing to consider the Lord, to pray, to offer service, to meditate, or even to journal our random musings reminds us that our time is not our task master. We are servants of the Lord who created time as well as space and nothing He created should enslave those who put their trust in Christ.
So I'm taking time to pause. I'm stopping for just a second to listen to the music in my headphones, to talk to my fiancee, to smile at a friend, and to pray, to meditate, and to journal.
Play.
I was thinking about the necessity of pausing. Sometimes we pause movies (or TV if you've got that feature) to leave the scene for a minute to do another task. We pause music in order to talk with someone or to answer the phone. The point is that we pause one task in order to pick up another for a shorter period of time than pushing "stop" would necessitate. We don't want to leave it for good, we just want to take a couple seconds to stop.
Writing this journal is my taking time to stop. I'm taking time from my homework in order to consider what it is to pause for a minute. The week pauses...or at least it should, one day each week to stop normal activity and to do something else. Pausing makes us realize that we don't have control over our lives or our time. Taking intentional time to stop what we're doing to consider the Lord, to pray, to offer service, to meditate, or even to journal our random musings reminds us that our time is not our task master. We are servants of the Lord who created time as well as space and nothing He created should enslave those who put their trust in Christ.
So I'm taking time to pause. I'm stopping for just a second to listen to the music in my headphones, to talk to my fiancee, to smile at a friend, and to pray, to meditate, and to journal.
Play.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Where have I been?
It's been a long time since I've updated this. That's my problem: I start a lot of things and finish very few of them. You'd think that wouldn't be such a big deal, considering my J type personality, but there it is. I start and don't always finish. Maybe that could be my newest discipline. Finishing everything I start. That would mean several novels, a couple of concept albums, and journaling as a spiritual discipline. This is the life I live currently:
Disciplines: Solitude, reading, prayer, fasting.
Solitude, for those who spend a lot of time with me, may seem like a bit of a stretch, but that's what I've decided to call my time alone. The problem is, that I'm having trouble with a real disciplined solitude where I actually spend time without distraction just me and God. But there have been bright points along the way. I've found a lot of joy in just sitting and saying the Jesus Prayer or reading with a candle burning before an icon. In short, I'm trying to find a way through the haze and into the reality of time alone in the presence of God that can be productive in more ways than just my own personal entertainment.
Reading specifically Scripture. My fiancee and I have been reading the daily lections out of the BCP for the past week and a half. Sometimes, I read them twice, depending on the day of the week. MWF I meet for Morning Prayer with 2-3 other guys from school. More on that later. Reading Scripture is always good. Reading Scripture in correlation to other related readings is also really nice. I just finished reading The Secret Message of Jesus, by Brian McLaren and was really challenged by the idea that the Kingdom of God is here and now (as well as not yet) and we have a part to play as agents of that Kingdom here in this world. I'm going to try and communicate this to a group of middle to highschool students in a few weeks.
Prayer is always good. I like praying out of a book. I find that if I'm doing personal intercessions that are basically coming to me on the fly that I only pray for a few minutes or maybe only seconds. It's really powerful prayer--in my mind. I like praying with the BCP or other prayer books because I find that my attention is more focused. Any time you can sit and read and know that God is listening is positive.
Fasting through Ramadan as well as with my Fiancee on Thursdays. Fasting for spiritual breakthrough in the Muslim world during this Ramadan. I haven't actually decided what specifically I'm fasting on, but I'm thinking a couple minor adjustments in my time and the way I use it may count. I also find that fasting as a group excercise is really nice. Fasting with my fiancee is encouraging. Fasting without water is not a good idea for me. I tried. Failed.
Disciplines: Solitude, reading, prayer, fasting.
Solitude, for those who spend a lot of time with me, may seem like a bit of a stretch, but that's what I've decided to call my time alone. The problem is, that I'm having trouble with a real disciplined solitude where I actually spend time without distraction just me and God. But there have been bright points along the way. I've found a lot of joy in just sitting and saying the Jesus Prayer or reading with a candle burning before an icon. In short, I'm trying to find a way through the haze and into the reality of time alone in the presence of God that can be productive in more ways than just my own personal entertainment.
Reading specifically Scripture. My fiancee and I have been reading the daily lections out of the BCP for the past week and a half. Sometimes, I read them twice, depending on the day of the week. MWF I meet for Morning Prayer with 2-3 other guys from school. More on that later. Reading Scripture is always good. Reading Scripture in correlation to other related readings is also really nice. I just finished reading The Secret Message of Jesus, by Brian McLaren and was really challenged by the idea that the Kingdom of God is here and now (as well as not yet) and we have a part to play as agents of that Kingdom here in this world. I'm going to try and communicate this to a group of middle to highschool students in a few weeks.
Prayer is always good. I like praying out of a book. I find that if I'm doing personal intercessions that are basically coming to me on the fly that I only pray for a few minutes or maybe only seconds. It's really powerful prayer--in my mind. I like praying with the BCP or other prayer books because I find that my attention is more focused. Any time you can sit and read and know that God is listening is positive.
Fasting through Ramadan as well as with my Fiancee on Thursdays. Fasting for spiritual breakthrough in the Muslim world during this Ramadan. I haven't actually decided what specifically I'm fasting on, but I'm thinking a couple minor adjustments in my time and the way I use it may count. I also find that fasting as a group excercise is really nice. Fasting with my fiancee is encouraging. Fasting without water is not a good idea for me. I tried. Failed.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
In the midst of slipping
So the fast thing was really nice. I've been breaking it the past couple of days, but I think I'll rehash it next week when I start my SemLink.
A lot of stuff has happened. I finished my summer course, I had my car in the shop (again) and argued about paying for it. Still ended up paying $84 for the stupid part plus tax. I also got put on academic probation. That was terrifying. I only dropped .33 below 3.0, but that's still really just...I've never had an experience like that before, and I hope to never have that happen again.
When I say it never rains, it pours, that's a lie. It's too mild. It not only pours, it dumps water completely on top of me. It's like The Truman Show when he's sitting on the beach. He's the only thing being rained on and it chases him. That's how I feel. And there's nothing I can do about it. Eventually all the rain turns on. And then :-P to Caleb.
A lot of stuff has happened. I finished my summer course, I had my car in the shop (again) and argued about paying for it. Still ended up paying $84 for the stupid part plus tax. I also got put on academic probation. That was terrifying. I only dropped .33 below 3.0, but that's still really just...I've never had an experience like that before, and I hope to never have that happen again.
When I say it never rains, it pours, that's a lie. It's too mild. It not only pours, it dumps water completely on top of me. It's like The Truman Show when he's sitting on the beach. He's the only thing being rained on and it chases him. That's how I feel. And there's nothing I can do about it. Eventually all the rain turns on. And then :-P to Caleb.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Fire
Last night I had trouble getting to sleep. I haven't gone to bed without watching an episode of Scrubs or Family Guy or The Simpsons or Futurama in months. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, I understand that I'm fasting and that's a good thing and it's also a hard thing. I also believe that this should be something easier to give up and that it shouldn't rob me of my sleep. And yet it did. I was still awake well past 11 wondering why rest was so hard to come by. It occured to me that the difference was that I hadn't watched a mindless bit of popular puff programming, but it didn't occur to me to pray about it. I wonder if that's bad.
When I'm most hungry during a fast, I find that praying doesn't really take the hunger away, but it does take the pain away. Sometimes I wish it wouldn't. I want to know what it is to really hunger for something, and to yearn for it. I don't know if the hunger pains should be taken away. But I'm thankful that they are. And so there it is.
Work was good. Went by really fast. No problems with customers or bosses or anything like that, so that was cool. I had to make scones again. I dislike that. But without thinking about it I did it. It was weird, but I was really glad that there was nowhere in the back of my mind that fought against just doing it. I guess that's a good sign.
When I'm most hungry during a fast, I find that praying doesn't really take the hunger away, but it does take the pain away. Sometimes I wish it wouldn't. I want to know what it is to really hunger for something, and to yearn for it. I don't know if the hunger pains should be taken away. But I'm thankful that they are. And so there it is.
Work was good. Went by really fast. No problems with customers or bosses or anything like that, so that was cool. I had to make scones again. I dislike that. But without thinking about it I did it. It was weird, but I was really glad that there was nowhere in the back of my mind that fought against just doing it. I guess that's a good sign.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Such a Great Cloud
Part of this life is realizing that your pride really gets in the way of forward progress. If you aren't careful, you're likely to consider that you've got things figured out. If you get cocky, you get an insatiable God Complex that's hard to shake. Somewhere in the fall, I think I got the idea that I was invincible.
Everyone comes to a new school with a chip on their shoulder. I came to Gordon as the Homeschooler who was tired of being bullied by all the ignorant "all homeschoolers live under rocks" stereotype I'd received growing up. My chip was big and very stubborn. (I guess I shouldn't use the past tense. My chip is still rather stubborn, though hopefully not as large.) I started Gordon-Conwell believing that, as a GC grad, I knew more than my fellow students. They'd all either come right from undergrad or had had no Biblical Studies training previous to coming to seminary. I honestly thought I was better than them.
After all, I'd had a great education in undergrad, taken a year off, and, gosh darn it, I was a homeschooler. If anyone can discipline himself to study, it's me. And the first semester went fine. I got mostly A's and one B. Then came the winter. I had my wisdom teeth out and did a SemLink that I that was too easy for me. Things went down hill quickly. I thought I did really well on the final, and got a C-. Then my car started falling apart. I literally paid for my car a second time this spring. My grades for this semester are a B+, a B, a B-, and a C+. My GPA is literally on the other side of the spectrum.
I just feel like I can't win, and I'm wondering if that's the point. Am I considering myself too important for my own good? Am I caught up in a pride spiral that I haven't noticed until now? If I am, what do I do?
The Saints who went before me have all dealt with their own sins. They had their prides and their humiliations. But they are venerated for a reason. They overcame in this world in a way that I may never experience. Jesus is at work in my life through the Holy Spirit, and I'm afraid that I'm not making a very hospitable environment for Him. How do I open my heart to the God who saves? How do I give up trying to manipulate my Savior and be obedient to Him?
I'm going to try an experiment. I already said that I'm going to give up something other than food as a fast. This is really for health reasons. (I want to get back into shape with my running, and I need to have the calories to ensure that I don't get sick.) I'm going to cut out a particular website from my daily routine. I know what you're thinking, what will one website do to help you mortify your sinful nature? Plenty. I'm also going to begin to practice submission again. Submission first and foremost to Jesus and secondly to my roommates, boss, fiancee, and friends. As well as those around me. It's not about being a doormat, but it is about putting others before myself and actively fighting against my pride.
Everyone comes to a new school with a chip on their shoulder. I came to Gordon as the Homeschooler who was tired of being bullied by all the ignorant "all homeschoolers live under rocks" stereotype I'd received growing up. My chip was big and very stubborn. (I guess I shouldn't use the past tense. My chip is still rather stubborn, though hopefully not as large.) I started Gordon-Conwell believing that, as a GC grad, I knew more than my fellow students. They'd all either come right from undergrad or had had no Biblical Studies training previous to coming to seminary. I honestly thought I was better than them.
After all, I'd had a great education in undergrad, taken a year off, and, gosh darn it, I was a homeschooler. If anyone can discipline himself to study, it's me. And the first semester went fine. I got mostly A's and one B. Then came the winter. I had my wisdom teeth out and did a SemLink that I that was too easy for me. Things went down hill quickly. I thought I did really well on the final, and got a C-. Then my car started falling apart. I literally paid for my car a second time this spring. My grades for this semester are a B+, a B, a B-, and a C+. My GPA is literally on the other side of the spectrum.
I just feel like I can't win, and I'm wondering if that's the point. Am I considering myself too important for my own good? Am I caught up in a pride spiral that I haven't noticed until now? If I am, what do I do?
The Saints who went before me have all dealt with their own sins. They had their prides and their humiliations. But they are venerated for a reason. They overcame in this world in a way that I may never experience. Jesus is at work in my life through the Holy Spirit, and I'm afraid that I'm not making a very hospitable environment for Him. How do I open my heart to the God who saves? How do I give up trying to manipulate my Savior and be obedient to Him?
I'm going to try an experiment. I already said that I'm going to give up something other than food as a fast. This is really for health reasons. (I want to get back into shape with my running, and I need to have the calories to ensure that I don't get sick.) I'm going to cut out a particular website from my daily routine. I know what you're thinking, what will one website do to help you mortify your sinful nature? Plenty. I'm also going to begin to practice submission again. Submission first and foremost to Jesus and secondly to my roommates, boss, fiancee, and friends. As well as those around me. It's not about being a doormat, but it is about putting others before myself and actively fighting against my pride.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Valleys and Shadows
The problem with actually putting yourself into a major project (a la spiritual development), is that there's always an enemy. There's something sinister behind the scenes lurking, waiting, prying, conniving. There's a cunning machine designed around a very simple prospect: pride comes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall. And it's insatiable. The appetite of this Fiend is so intense that mere mortals are incapable of withstanding a subtle twist. Supernatural aide is what is required, and there's only one place that can be found.
I feel rather dry right now and very frightened. I'm waiting here for the next shoe to drop. Just when I think things are in good shape, I get completely discouraged and fall into a very dark place. It's a long, dark night of the soul within, and I'm not sure how best to bring about daylight.
The goal for this week, begin regular regime of fasting which does not include food, but will stretch me till I yearn. Spend time in silence and prayer.
I feel rather dry right now and very frightened. I'm waiting here for the next shoe to drop. Just when I think things are in good shape, I get completely discouraged and fall into a very dark place. It's a long, dark night of the soul within, and I'm not sure how best to bring about daylight.
The goal for this week, begin regular regime of fasting which does not include food, but will stretch me till I yearn. Spend time in silence and prayer.
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